the fish bowl

As I sit in my dorm on a raining Monday afternoon, I realize I have way too much.  I have become so consumed with the material things, with making myself happy through obtaining, trying to make me feel better about myself after I have accidentally pushed those who I cherish away.  The last two days have been quite the challenge for me: stomach in knots and eyes about to unleash a flood.  Why do I push people away when I become stressed or face a difficult situation?  Why have I not learned that it only complicates things more than it solves them?  Why didn't I listen to her when I was pushing her away?  Oh, damn, why didn't I listen to her when she was the only source of wisdom, of light, of hope in a dark moment?  Why am I know realizing what I have done with my selfishness?  I make myself sick even thinking about it now.  She had become something special to me, but I was too shy, too nervous to actually say it.  I regret being timid and quietly hoping for the illogical optimistic future which would never be.  For 7 months I kept this to myself instead of being honest with her and myself.  For 7 months I quietly enjoyed her friendship.  Perhaps I never told her or really acted on it because of the idea of being separated by a distance haunted me after what had happened last time.  Maybe I didn't feel like I could be there for her enough.  All I know now is that I no longer have the chance to be there for her as I would like.  My own prideful ignorance ruined me. 

Oh, how I would give up everything I have gained recently in order to try that moment over again and tell her how I felt instead of pushing her away.  

Now, I am left to only be the best friend I can be and support her in her future.

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." -Leo Tolstoy


     Isn't that the truth?  No one really wants to even think of personal change. Changing those around them seems like a much more feasible idea.  Why is this?  Do we as individuals get so self-conscious of ourselves that we fear  changing what we have already become even if we are not happy with who we are?  Gah, I have been one of those people who think this way, and it frustrated me to no end now.  
     Falling into this cycle is no good.  If things are to change on any level, there needs to be change on a small scale first.  People say college is where people go to discover themselves, shape who they are to become.  Until my senior year, I wasn't too sure about this idea, but now it has really come into focus for me.  Once I graduate (hopefully in December), I will be certified to teach.  I definitely need to know who I am, what I believe, what my interests are by that time.  
     This spring semester, though I am only half-way into it, has been a beautiful challenge in several ways.  The best part is that I am able to move through these challenges thanks to lessons learned from past challenges. They are finally paying off: the stress, heartbreak, and sleepless nights.  All these things seemed so awful or out of place at the time, but they were really planted lessons for me to later cultivate. 
     Now that I have these lessons collected and in my storehouse, I need to apply them.  How do I more on from here?  What direction should I set for my future?  These questions and many more are all being answered in an ongoing effort right now.  Feel free to offer up some hints as I progress. Still, I need to understand and decide how I am to change myself before I can ever begin to make an impact on the world as a teacher or even just as a normal, everyday citizen of Earth.  I need to find my place.  Somewhere in which I actually fit, not where I try to fit.  If that requires as much as a drastic shift in my career orientation or as little as a hair cut, then it will be worth it.