the fish bowl

As I sit in my dorm on a raining Monday afternoon, I realize I have way too much.  I have become so consumed with the material things, with making myself happy through obtaining, trying to make me feel better about myself after I have accidentally pushed those who I cherish away.  The last two days have been quite the challenge for me: stomach in knots and eyes about to unleash a flood.  Why do I push people away when I become stressed or face a difficult situation?  Why have I not learned that it only complicates things more than it solves them?  Why didn't I listen to her when I was pushing her away?  Oh, damn, why didn't I listen to her when she was the only source of wisdom, of light, of hope in a dark moment?  Why am I know realizing what I have done with my selfishness?  I make myself sick even thinking about it now.  She had become something special to me, but I was too shy, too nervous to actually say it.  I regret being timid and quietly hoping for the illogical optimistic future which would never be.  For 7 months I kept this to myself instead of being honest with her and myself.  For 7 months I quietly enjoyed her friendship.  Perhaps I never told her or really acted on it because of the idea of being separated by a distance haunted me after what had happened last time.  Maybe I didn't feel like I could be there for her enough.  All I know now is that I no longer have the chance to be there for her as I would like.  My own prideful ignorance ruined me. 

Oh, how I would give up everything I have gained recently in order to try that moment over again and tell her how I felt instead of pushing her away.  

Now, I am left to only be the best friend I can be and support her in her future.

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