the fish bowl

     I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind once again today, and, as always, it really made me reflect upon my life so far.  Has it been worth it?  Have the dating relationships which have crashed and burned worth just as much as the ones that peacefully dissolved?  Did I learn anything from my mistakes and relationships?  
     Personally, I am, in a way, glad for those rough times, those awful endings.  To do away with those, I would have to also do without the good and happy times connected to those endings.  The pain and trouble is worth knowing what being happy is like.  So far, I have no been able to latch onto and keep that happy state without the hurtful parting of ways.  I can live with that.  Being able to keep moving forward after the parting has made me into who I am today.  I won't try to pretend that certain instances haven't scarred me or don't stay with me, even if just in the back of my mind, because they have.  I am shaped by both the good and bad in my relationships.  The bad just shows me where I need to work harder or find someone I can easily be myself around at all times.  
     Life still hurts.  Getting hurt is just part of the journey.  Just because it complicates things, I shouldn't give up for fear of being hurt.  The last year and a half has been one extended lesson in this.  Since my "big breakup," I have had trouble really applying this lesson.  I would latch to any girl who was willing to give me attention for a period, only to have those situations to end terribly.  After, I was too scared to even put my neck out there at all.  Then I would move into a period during which I would get my hopes up quick just to have my legs kicked out from under me.  I can't quite find a happy medium any more, but isn't that life?  Finding the happy medium at which life is just right?  For this reason, I couldn't do without all of my experiences.  In no way could I begin to imagine having memories of the tough, hurtful times erased from my mind as in Eternal Sunshine.  To lose those people would mean I loose the happy times with them as well.  That, I could not do.

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