Looking back at my last blog post, just over a month ago, I am surprised by how much that situation has changed. The girl, who I though I had let slip away, is now my girlfriend, and I couldn't be happier with how the situation turned out.
I forced myself to resist altering that post or putting up a new one to convey the change because I wanted to remind myself how close I came to loosing her and how I won't take her for granted again. As I have said, she is incredibly special to me, and I would give up so much for her.
At this moment, I have roughly 4 days until I get to see her again. Time cannot cooperate like I want it to. I want the next few days to rush by so that I may be able to hold her in my arms as soon as I possibly can, but I also want time to slow to a crawl while she is in my embrace. Time won't cooperate. Which is why I have learned, partly with her help, to make the best of what time I do have, whether that be with her or even the time I have left in college. Enjoy life and do what makes you happy. My girlfriend and I have an ever-growing list of fun activities to do together this summer; right now, I believe, we have 35 items on the list. While it does make me long for what is to come, I realize that every moment is short and has its highlights. Why can't I enjoy every second? I honestly don't know why I don't always, but I am trying to change that. She is teaching me to enjoy every bit of life, even the waiting aspect of it. In the process, I am becoming more thankful for the rough spots that help me become an individual.
This summer I will be returning home to once more work at the beloved Polar Whip, but I feel this summer will be much different and much better than that of last year. Maybe it is the list, maybe it is my awesome girlfriend, maybe I am finally enjoying life.
"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." -Leo Tolstoy
Isn't that the truth? No one really wants to even think of personal change. Changing those around them seems like a much more feasible idea. Why is this? Do we as individuals get so self-conscious of ourselves that we fear changing what we have already become even if we are not happy with who we are? Gah, I have been one of those people who think this way, and it frustrated me to no end now.
Falling into this cycle is no good. If things are to change on any level, there needs to be change on a small scale first. People say college is where people go to discover themselves, shape who they are to become. Until my senior year, I wasn't too sure about this idea, but now it has really come into focus for me. Once I graduate (hopefully in December), I will be certified to teach. I definitely need to know who I am, what I believe, what my interests are by that time.
This spring semester, though I am only half-way into it, has been a beautiful challenge in several ways. The best part is that I am able to move through these challenges thanks to lessons learned from past challenges. They are finally paying off: the stress, heartbreak, and sleepless nights. All these things seemed so awful or out of place at the time, but they were really planted lessons for me to later cultivate.
Now that I have these lessons collected and in my storehouse, I need to apply them. How do I more on from here? What direction should I set for my future? These questions and many more are all being answered in an ongoing effort right now. Feel free to offer up some hints as I progress. Still, I need to understand and decide how I am to change myself before I can ever begin to make an impact on the world as a teacher or even just as a normal, everyday citizen of Earth. I need to find my place. Somewhere in which I actually fit, not where I try to fit. If that requires as much as a drastic shift in my career orientation or as little as a hair cut, then it will be worth it.
I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind once again today, and, as always, it really made me reflect upon my life so far. Has it been worth it? Have the dating relationships which have crashed and burned worth just as much as the ones that peacefully dissolved? Did I learn anything from my mistakes and relationships?
Personally, I am, in a way, glad for those rough times, those awful endings. To do away with those, I would have to also do without the good and happy times connected to those endings. The pain and trouble is worth knowing what being happy is like. So far, I have no been able to latch onto and keep that happy state without the hurtful parting of ways. I can live with that. Being able to keep moving forward after the parting has made me into who I am today. I won't try to pretend that certain instances haven't scarred me or don't stay with me, even if just in the back of my mind, because they have. I am shaped by both the good and bad in my relationships. The bad just shows me where I need to work harder or find someone I can easily be myself around at all times.
Life still hurts. Getting hurt is just part of the journey. Just because it complicates things, I shouldn't give up for fear of being hurt. The last year and a half has been one extended lesson in this. Since my "big breakup," I have had trouble really applying this lesson. I would latch to any girl who was willing to give me attention for a period, only to have those situations to end terribly. After, I was too scared to even put my neck out there at all. Then I would move into a period during which I would get my hopes up quick just to have my legs kicked out from under me. I can't quite find a happy medium any more, but isn't that life? Finding the happy medium at which life is just right? For this reason, I couldn't do without all of my experiences. In no way could I begin to imagine having memories of the tough, hurtful times erased from my mind as in Eternal Sunshine. To lose those people would mean I loose the happy times with them as well. That, I could not do.
I realize that it has been 2011 for a little more than 2 months already, so don't call me out on it. Until now, it hadn't really sunk in all too well. Yes, I was aware of the calendar change, but it took a while for the full implications of the year to manifest themselves for me. I graduate in 9 months (hopefully), I will be student teaching, I may be getting a job in Jackson, I may not go back to Illinois, I am starting to think differently from how I always have, my thesis has officially been started (almost 3 pages in so far), I try to keep a notebook nearby to write random ideas or whims which come to mind (I do occasionally have to settle for my hand), the future freaks me out more than usual... crap, so much.
Life is changing almost daily in some fashion. Just because it changes doesn't mean that I can't recognize my life from week to week, but it is enough to be noticeable over time. As much as things may become nerve-racking for me, I am beginning to embrace change the more I acknowledge it. By no means am I allowing myself to be blown across the ground with every slight breeze that passes, nor am I trying to fight against the hurricanes of change in life out of ignorant stubbornness. Finally, I am embracing my curiosity in life. If something interests me, I will look into it. Maybe I will be judged for it by some, maybe I will be embraced by others for the same thing. Am I to determine the opinions of others in relation to me? By no means, and I do not care to try to do so at all. I realize some movies I have watched already would not be deemed "Union appropriate" by many, but most are beautiful and imaginative. I refuse to give up such things just because it is rated "R" for language or that there are references to drugs. Sooner or later, the bubble will pop and some will fall violently to their awakening in life.
In that train of thought, I shall depart for now. Burrito Meal calls me. Until then...