the fish bowl

     Looking back at my last blog post, just over a month ago, I am surprised by how much that situation has changed.  The girl, who I though I had let slip away, is now my girlfriend, and I couldn't be happier with how the situation turned out.  
     I forced myself to resist altering that post or putting up a new one to convey the change because I wanted to remind myself how close I came to loosing her and how I won't take her for granted again.  As I have said, she is incredibly special to me, and I would give up so much for her.
     At this moment, I have roughly 4 days until I get to see her again.  Time cannot cooperate like I want it to.  I want the next few days to rush by so that I may be able to hold her in my arms as soon as I possibly can, but I also want time to slow to a crawl while she is in my embrace.  Time won't cooperate.  Which is why I have learned, partly with her help, to make the best of what time I do have, whether that be with her or even the time I have left in college.  Enjoy life and do what makes you happy.  My girlfriend and I have an ever-growing list of fun activities to do together this summer; right now, I believe, we have 35 items on the list.  While it does make me long for what is to come, I realize that every moment is short and has its highlights.  Why can't I enjoy every second?  I honestly don't know why I don't always, but I am trying to change that.  She is teaching me to enjoy every bit of life, even the waiting aspect of it.  In the process, I am becoming more thankful for the rough spots that help me become an individual.  
     This summer I will be returning home to once more work at the beloved Polar Whip, but I feel this summer will be much different and much better than that of last year.  Maybe it is the list, maybe it is my awesome girlfriend, maybe I am finally enjoying life. 

     

     I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind once again today, and, as always, it really made me reflect upon my life so far.  Has it been worth it?  Have the dating relationships which have crashed and burned worth just as much as the ones that peacefully dissolved?  Did I learn anything from my mistakes and relationships?  
     Personally, I am, in a way, glad for those rough times, those awful endings.  To do away with those, I would have to also do without the good and happy times connected to those endings.  The pain and trouble is worth knowing what being happy is like.  So far, I have no been able to latch onto and keep that happy state without the hurtful parting of ways.  I can live with that.  Being able to keep moving forward after the parting has made me into who I am today.  I won't try to pretend that certain instances haven't scarred me or don't stay with me, even if just in the back of my mind, because they have.  I am shaped by both the good and bad in my relationships.  The bad just shows me where I need to work harder or find someone I can easily be myself around at all times.  
     Life still hurts.  Getting hurt is just part of the journey.  Just because it complicates things, I shouldn't give up for fear of being hurt.  The last year and a half has been one extended lesson in this.  Since my "big breakup," I have had trouble really applying this lesson.  I would latch to any girl who was willing to give me attention for a period, only to have those situations to end terribly.  After, I was too scared to even put my neck out there at all.  Then I would move into a period during which I would get my hopes up quick just to have my legs kicked out from under me.  I can't quite find a happy medium any more, but isn't that life?  Finding the happy medium at which life is just right?  For this reason, I couldn't do without all of my experiences.  In no way could I begin to imagine having memories of the tough, hurtful times erased from my mind as in Eternal Sunshine.  To lose those people would mean I loose the happy times with them as well.  That, I could not do.

Being read to.
     Over the last few months, I have come to notice that it is usually the little, overlooked aspects of life which really makes life worth living.  The simple things that can brighten a day in more ways than expected.  As I "rediscover" them (I say rediscover because I never made an effort to properly discover and chronicle them in the first place), I want to capture them.  I will not be able to capture them exactly as they are in the moment, obviously, but I can hope for the emotions linked to them to allow these moments to transcend their chronological limitations.  
     My first chronicled simple joy is, as you may have already noticed, being read to.  When I say being read to, I do not mean a professor, pastor, speaker or whoever reading for a large group.  That is more of a necessity of the situation.  What I am talking about is much more intimate.  Someone reads a work--whether it be his or her own does not really matter, but personal work does have a better sound--to just one or a few others.  Read it with meaning, emphasis, and passion.  Now, this is something which has really become a sure way in making a day enjoyable over the last week, though, by no means is it an everyday occurrence.  Yet, the fact that it isn't meant to be everyday and just tends to happen at the best possible moments is what makes those moments so uncharacteristically beautiful to me.  I close my eyes and sink into the soft, calming sea of language and rhythm.  
     This whole concept really makes sense looking back to my downloading the New Yorker Fiction podcast last semester.  Typically, I listen to short stories read by other authors while on long drives by myself.  They are incredibly relaxing to my mind.  Sometimes music just won't cut it in those situations.  The songs make me anxious, creating a need to get wherever I may be going all the faster.  Hearing stories being read (to only me, as I like to imagine it) soothes me beyond belief.  I become invested while still being alert as I drive.  Small poetry readings at coffee shops and wineries are much the same.  close, intimate settings make the words come alive as they dance off the speaker's tongue.  
     ...forget History homework; I'm going to listen to James Thurber's "The Wood Duck."